It’s alarming how often this publication shows, time after time, that Spider-Man is in cahoots with most of the schmucks he “apprehends” – and yet, some are still calling him a hero.
J Jonah Jameson here! You probably saw my latest show on The FACT CHANNEL, wherein I showed how crime had reached all-time lows; we even broke the record: eleven days of absolutely zero murders in New York City! So what happened? Some would say that maybe Spider-Man was working overtime, except… Spider-Man wasn’t seen that entire time.
It’s MADNESS that people are calling this a coincidence; isn’t it a bit suspicious that we didn’t see the wall-crawler for eleven days AND CRIME GOES DOWN?!? AND DON’T tell me it was the cold weather – that’s garbage and any decent person can see it! Right before that degenerate disappeared, witnesses saw him “fighting” the super-criminal Looter after a bank heist. HA! More like helping the Looter rob the place with a SPIDER-TANK.
Six “spiderlings” (Spider-Man’s personal henchmen) were taken into custody along with the Looter – yet Spider-Man got away with what appeared to be a cosplaying fan-club. Nothing suspicious here folks!
And if you think that’s ridiculous – wait to you see what he’s been up to since he’s been back!
It started after the Looter was taken into Custody while Spider-Man walked free. More and more are joining the “Webbed Warriors”, congregating in large groups and wearing masks to conceal their identities. Although many gang members appear to be children – it could simply be part of a larger deception. I’ve met Elijah Wood, and he’s not as short as he looks in the movies. Be prepared and watch out for any-sized vandals with masks on the streets! This Cosplay Fan Club could go violent when they hear about what Spidey has been doing with Doc Ock when nobody is looking!
Bugle Reporters happened to be miles off the coast in an underwater science lab when Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus were seen jogging together and talking. It seems this isn’t the first time that Bonnie and Clyde have been caught alone in a small enclosed space; more footage of the multi-armed couple was taken several years ago, and can be seen HERE – take note of the silky red pajamas that Octavius is wearing. On this latest little escapade however, the handsy Doctor looked like he had spent the night sleeping in an alley – much like the people Spider-Man visited next…
Last night, Spider-Man was seen giving food to the homeless – in what could only be a loud and disgusting cry for attention. Onlookers watched in repulsion as the masked con artist tried to feel better about himself, by buying food and giving it to those in need. “It made me feel sick,” Ryan Jacobs said after receiving a sandwich, “Spider-Man obviously only does this to feel good about himself… when he shook my hand it felt so dirty”. The webby weasel continued to brag for hours into the night, over what witnesses called “a kinda small bag of sandwiches ” and “not much food at all”.
“I don’t think I should eat it” Jacobs sadly reported, “He might have webbed in it”.